Someone who could forgive him? Does...Blade want forgiveness?
...
What does he want, really...?
He doesn't know why he's even questioning these things. Blade assumed that he wanted one thing and one thing only. A part of him still longs for that death. But, even so, maybe there's something else that he wants to.
Though, he can't quite figure the name of it just yet, when he's thinking of these concepts. ]
...Where do you get these ideas from?
[ Blade has to ask. No one has said these things to him? Is Yoru just simply that kind of person who thinks it all up on his own?
He just has to know. Or maybe he doesn't, but he wants to know, anyway. ]
When you grow up in a cage, all you have are ideas and the hope of them. That... maybe one day, one of them will come true... That something good will happen... finally.
[ nothing came true for him until after. and even now, he's still seeking... to close his past. to shut that door completely and set that house on fire along with - ]
Before you sinned, what did you have? Everything? Or were you like me? I only had... one person.
[ along with -
that one person. he never wants to see her again. he wants to meet her so bad. ]
[ ...Blade wonders if that is a sentiment he felt once - but because he doesn't recall his own childhood properly, it's impossible for him to know. Though, somehow those feelings are resonating somehow. Maybe before he sinned, before he met those people, his life had him looking for hope.
Maybe he had family. But, for some reason, he has a feeling it didn't...last. Though, he can't confirm anything, so he just simply focuses on what he is certain of.
And he knows, after Jingliu's teachings, he stopped looking for any hope at all. But he lets the words settle first, digesting them. Then, for the questions...? ]
...I had few friends, in my previous life.
I know one died...leaving just three others.
It didn't last. I'm not sure for how long. I only knew it came to an end by the time I committed the sin that I did - with Imbibitor Lunae.
[ Because even besides that dead person, Jingliu lost her mind, and "Dan Feng" eventually became "Dan Heng". ]
...Was the one person someone other than a family member?
[ So, someone who may have been supportive? Though as he ponders that idly...
Blade doesn't really catch what the head shake from Yoru even means in its entirety, but he only focuses on the question because it is simply asked of him. ]
Dan Feng's title as Vidyadhara High Elder of the Xianzhou Luofu. "Dan Heng" is still considered to hold it.
[ He doesn't use that other moniker often; if only because the differences between to them to Blade are little, whether or not that is the case. ]
[ dan heng and dan feng. just looking at dan heng, he wouldn’t think an identity crisis was a thing. he just seemed settled… as dan heng. so solid. ]
A new identity is usually because the old one has become… [ he sighs, the sound sad and a little frustrated. ] Something you want to let go of.
He really wants to keep part of his past?
[ it’s not something yoru would pick if he had a choice in the matter. ]
[ ...Blade tries to weigh what to say, because here is where only Dan Heng would be able to answer for certain.
Therefore, he gives his best: ]
Dan Heng would only know the answer to that. Still, he could never truly separate those actions from himself because of that connection.
Vidyadhara's lives are all connected...
What he wants to do with his past - no matter how anyone else or I see him - is his choice alone. [ ... ] He may be in the process of still deciding.
...Therefore, it may be that no one can decide whether or not he has really wished to 'keep' that past of his or not.
[ This is all he can say. As someone who has yet to uncover all the parts of "Dan Heng", Blade can't say that the man is stuck in the past. But there is an identity crisis, and he knows he adds to it - even if he knows Dan Heng has made progress on that. ]
Yeah, you're right. Well, it's good that he has you. And you're being really thoughtful about him.
[ if he had come here with someone from home... mister yomi or even alma, that boy who'd been kind to him, he wonders if anything would have been different. would he have connected to his roommates? he knows a part of that is because he's using them as substitutes for his family, and... he just. he can't help it.
he will always be someone who yearns to belong.
he cycles back to blade's question moments ago. because, well, it's probably his turn to answer. ]
I weighed myself because... I need to go home, no matter what. My family is... everything. There's was no other choice, really...
[ he would follow any star if it pointed back to his family, take any path. ]
I died.
[ it isn't surprising how he reached that point. it felt like he had been born to walk straight into death. the escalation was predictable: every day a bruise closer to that steep cliff. only it wasn't so steep after all. the fall was short. ]
And then he found me. [ warmth, devotion. ] I think... that's why I believe you can make it last, Blade. If you stumble, then get up.
... Keep reaching out and someone will reach back. The next time you fall, they'll catch you.
[ Blade takes in a breath. He realizes the following words surprised him. That is, these:
I died.
Blade has reads between the lines. He thought - didn't he kill his shitty father? And then found his family?
...Is it that he returned alive after that death...? If he had reached his limit after doing the deed, maybe that isn't too surprisng, either, but he is trying to make sense of everything. So for awhile, he is a bit quiet. ]
You died. But then it wasn't the end for you? Because this person found you...?
[ ... ]
...I could burden someone easily. I am not an easy person to catch - to handle. There are times where I'm not even in my right mind.
And, if there is a price to pay for someone so thoughtful, I may not be able to return the proper amount.
[ he nods quietly. he thinks i became something else but doesn't say it. it's obviously, isn't it? the moment he killed, he was changed forever. ]
... It's up to the other person to decide how much they can bear.
[ just as it's up to dan heng to decide his identity. ]
And... it's up to the other person to decide if there needs to be a price for the weight. Have you considered that... they might just like you for who you are? Even if you're not in your right mind?
[ The day someone kills, they become someone else entirely. Blade would know that himself; but he knows that for himself happened long ago. ]
...I hadn't.
[ Is what he can only say. But Blade is more or less realizing that it could be possible. It seems inane.
Still, the only way he can find out is to explore what will happen. He will need to ponder, to think on this. Before he leaves, though? He will give some parting words: ]
There's a lot I hadn't considered. [ ... ] But, we'll see if it's enough.
[ Blade looks at Yoru as he says this. Yet, he will remember this, even as he gives a nod of his head, and moves to leave the area. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
can he be forgiven for what he did? should he have forgiven his father? his… sister?
but panic always comes when he thinks about that too deeply because no, no, no he doesn’t and he won’t and he can’t -
blade speaks of sins and yoru knows he has his own. ]
… You could try, Blade. Nothing might happen, but… but something could. And if you can’t forgive yourself, maybe you will find someone who can.
[ or as it had happened for yoru, someone who accepts all of him despite the unpardonable sins. ]
cw: suicidal ideation
Someone who could forgive him? Does...Blade want forgiveness?
...
What does he want, really...?
He doesn't know why he's even questioning these things. Blade assumed that he wanted one thing and one thing only. A part of him still longs for that death. But, even so, maybe there's something else that he wants to.
Though, he can't quite figure the name of it just yet, when he's thinking of these concepts. ]
...Where do you get these ideas from?
[ Blade has to ask. No one has said these things to him? Is Yoru just simply that kind of person who thinks it all up on his own?
He just has to know. Or maybe he doesn't, but he wants to know, anyway. ]
cw: implied child abuse
When you grow up in a cage, all you have are ideas and the hope of them. That... maybe one day, one of them will come true... That something good will happen... finally.
[ nothing came true for him until after. and even now, he's still seeking... to close his past. to shut that door completely and set that house on fire along with - ]
Before you sinned, what did you have? Everything? Or were you like me? I only had... one person.
[ along with -
that one person. he never wants to see her again. he wants to meet her so bad. ]
no subject
Maybe he had family. But, for some reason, he has a feeling it didn't...last. Though, he can't confirm anything, so he just simply focuses on what he is certain of.
And he knows, after Jingliu's teachings, he stopped looking for any hope at all. But he lets the words settle first, digesting them. Then, for the questions...? ]
...I had few friends, in my previous life.
I know one died...leaving just three others.
It didn't last. I'm not sure for how long. I only knew it came to an end by the time I committed the sin that I did - with Imbibitor Lunae.
[ Because even besides that dead person, Jingliu lost her mind, and "Dan Feng" eventually became "Dan Heng". ]
...Was the one person someone other than a family member?
no subject
[ then he shakes his head because he doesn’t want to talk about her.
and besides, blade had said something he doesn’t understand or recognize. ]
Imbibitor Lunae…?
no subject
Blade doesn't really catch what the head shake from Yoru even means in its entirety, but he only focuses on the question because it is simply asked of him. ]
Dan Feng's title as Vidyadhara High Elder of the Xianzhou Luofu. "Dan Heng" is still considered to hold it.
[ He doesn't use that other moniker often; if only because the differences between to them to Blade are little, whether or not that is the case. ]
no subject
[ he’s curious because yoru had done something similar, change his name to reflect a new life.
(a new self.) ]
no subject
[ Blade seems to consider his response, trying to recall but he was not there for Dan Heng's botched rebirth. ]
He has stated before it was his new identity...but acknowledges "Dan Feng" is not entirely separate from him. It may be unusual to you.
[ ...emphasis on may, because different worlds and experiences; but it may be rather common than uncommon. Blade is not assuming, either way. ]
no subject
A new identity is usually because the old one has become… [ he sighs, the sound sad and a little frustrated. ] Something you want to let go of.
He really wants to keep part of his past?
[ it’s not something yoru would pick if he had a choice in the matter. ]
no subject
Therefore, he gives his best: ]
Dan Heng would only know the answer to that. Still, he could never truly separate those actions from himself because of that connection.
Vidyadhara's lives are all connected...
What he wants to do with his past - no matter how anyone else or I see him - is his choice alone. [ ... ] He may be in the process of still deciding.
...Therefore, it may be that no one can decide whether or not he has really wished to 'keep' that past of his or not.
[ This is all he can say. As someone who has yet to uncover all the parts of "Dan Heng", Blade can't say that the man is stuck in the past. But there is an identity crisis, and he knows he adds to it - even if he knows Dan Heng has made progress on that. ]
no subject
[ if he had come here with someone from home... mister yomi or even alma, that boy who'd been kind to him, he wonders if anything would have been different. would he have connected to his roommates? he knows a part of that is because he's using them as substitutes for his family, and... he just. he can't help it.
he will always be someone who yearns to belong.
he cycles back to blade's question moments ago. because, well, it's probably his turn to answer. ]
I weighed myself because... I need to go home, no matter what. My family is... everything. There's was no other choice, really...
no subject
[ Blade will admit to that. Mara means that such thoughtfulness may even be compromised at the drop of a hat; but even so, he says it nonetheless.
Though, with Yoru circling back to that question he had asked, he figures it still isn't surprising he had that amount of willpower.
People's important ones are their motivation; their drive, their everything. ]
You thought it would help reach them. [ ... ] How did you meet this family of yours, Yoru?
cw: implied child abuse, implied suicide
[ he would follow any star if it pointed back to his family, take any path. ]
I died.
[ it isn't surprising how he reached that point. it felt like he had been born to walk straight into death. the escalation was predictable: every day a bruise closer to that steep cliff. only it wasn't so steep after all. the fall was short. ]
And then he found me. [ warmth, devotion. ] I think... that's why I believe you can make it last, Blade. If you stumble, then get up.
... Keep reaching out and someone will reach back. The next time you fall, they'll catch you.
cw: continued for the above
I died.
Blade has reads between the lines. He thought - didn't he kill his shitty father? And then found his family?
...Is it that he returned alive after that death...? If he had reached his limit after doing the deed, maybe that isn't too surprisng, either, but he is trying to make sense of everything. So for awhile, he is a bit quiet. ]
You died. But then it wasn't the end for you? Because this person found you...?
[ ... ]
...I could burden someone easily. I am not an easy person to catch - to handle. There are times where I'm not even in my right mind.
And, if there is a price to pay for someone so thoughtful, I may not be able to return the proper amount.
cw: same
... It's up to the other person to decide how much they can bear.
[ just as it's up to dan heng to decide his identity. ]
And... it's up to the other person to decide if there needs to be a price for the weight. Have you considered that... they might just like you for who you are? Even if you're not in your right mind?
[ and that's enough. that's enough. ]
no subject
...I hadn't.
[ Is what he can only say. But Blade is more or less realizing that it could be possible. It seems inane.
Still, the only way he can find out is to explore what will happen. He will need to ponder, to think on this. Before he leaves, though? He will give some parting words: ]
There's a lot I hadn't considered. [ ... ] But, we'll see if it's enough.
[ Blade looks at Yoru as he says this. Yet, he will remember this, even as he gives a nod of his head, and moves to leave the area. ]