Blade will be wandering throughout the entirety of the place; perhaps with a lingering destination in mind but ultimately to look for a place where there is as less people as possible.
If he thinks someone will be there? He will avoid it. On purpose.
No one can stop him. And so this is why he ends up at the Clockwork Atelier! Is there anyone else inside, and what is that person doing, if so...? ]
[ squinting to see the meme being born, it sure is bright
anyway
this is one of the few rooms yoru hadn't checked out in the first couple of days. the constant tick and tock, mismatched yet in time, had given him a headache just passing by the room. but now it helps to stand here, letting the noise wash away the thoughts of today's confessions. ]
Blade isn't too keen on noise, though it's unified in here - the type to easily fade into background when one stands in it. Enough to serve as distraction.
[ Blade is certain some of them did, some of them didn't, and there were shades of those in-between.
He listens to him talk about this place like it is a cage - and truly, it is nothing less than that. ]
I did it to know how many would judge.
...I wanted them to.
People did. But, I couldn't predict how they would.
[ In many ways, it surprised him. Blade is used to people viewing matters in a black or white mentally with as few information at the tip of their fingers as possible. Even if trickles dripped into their hands, it wouldn't change their opinion.
Though, he is certain someone must think he is trouble. That is enough for him. ]
And you?
[ Everything is a haze, he barely remembers some conversations now, but he feels like Yoru must have. ]
That's putting it extremely mildly but by god it is definitely a good summary of events. But, Blade stops in his walk when he sees a familiar face around the solarium.
He isn't great at greetings, though he looks to see how Yoru's doing - what he is doing in the area. Not that it will make things better for anyone, yet...he feels maybe it is fair to try. Even if he is bad at that too, regardless of the current state of mind. ]
[ Shattered; fractured, heard and vocalized in that tone. ]
...Yoru.
[ His voice will always be harsh, though he doesn't say it with that kind of intent. ]
If there is something you want to say. I'll listen.
[ He's bad at asking the right questions, but Yoru has been...unfathomably kind to him, so the best he can think is to offer an ear. They are both upset; two commonalities. He isn't strong by a mile, he has been relearning how to pick up his own pieces. Yet, he gets the feeling so has Yoru. Maybe, that can be better than sitting on the fragments; something he is starting to learn. ]
He isn't suited towards comfort. There isn't much he is suited towards even these days, other than being a blade. Also, around this time, he also has a wagasa with him...held at his side.
When he asks those words, he just falls silent for a moment, hesitant to respond. But, he does. ]
[ What happened is over and done with; there are other things to do throughout the day, but what might be important is a time with some bit of fresh air.
Out and about, underneath a tree, Blade's seated, and there is food laid out upon a little cloth of some sort. Though, it seems he is not alone. ]
...It's not often that I eat like this.
[ It's the truth. He probably does at times, but never like this. ]
[ yoru doesn't wait, he grabs one of the sandwiches and takes a big bite.
like what? two killers relaxing? but yoru doesn't say it. he's still sore over what happened; at the same time, he can't find it in himself to be properly angry at blade.
because he has manners, unlike jin, he swallows before speaking: ]
[ Blade has to wonder about that still; the interaction is at the back of his mind. But, Yoru wished to speak to him nonetheless.
Even...despite all of that, though seeing Yoru across from him is nothing less than evidence that he's here with them than not. He's slow when he partakes in the sandwich, but it's good nonetheless, and he too waits for a swallow, before speaking up once more. ]
...It is.
[ He says, slowly, and carefully. But, somewhat gently, even if he talks in that rough tone of his (contradiction?)
A long pause results from him, and he's never been ideal at conversations. So, he adds: ]
If there's something else you wish to say, feel free. Conversations are not my specialty. And outings...those weren't something I'd come up with in company of associates...or companions.
[ The other Stellaron Hunters were better with that. ]
[ Blade is eating his sandwich, slowly, like he has never had one before. The question asked of him isn't surprising.
It seems he anticipated this. So, after he swallows, he stares, with eyes that may be a bit brighter. Allows it to linger. Then: ]
I didn't want to. Even if I heard your surprising confessions.
[ It surprised him...that Yoru and Jin had been more than he seemed. Why should it change everything that was spoken to him? Even if he is a complicated existence, even if his hands are stained with sin...so are his. ]
That didn't change how I felt. Maybe, instead amplified and sparked curiosity in addition to what was already there. What I already decided.
...I never cared for Hickey. The choice was simple.
[ the choice. that yoru could be anyone’s choice to save here. more than one person had stood up for him.
it breaks him in an awful, happy way. he doesn’t deserve it.
he curls over his sandwich, laughing lowly. only - the noises coming out of his throat are heavy, edged with traces of hysteria. ]
I know. [ the words come out raw, claws digging into his throat and crawling out his mouth. ] I know you care about me. I voted for you, you know, because I couldn’t vote for myself. Because I knew you wouldn’t hate me for it.
[ but yoru already regrets it, putting down any name but his. especially blade’s, who fought for his innocence. ]
I’m sorry… But I wish you had voted for me. And I’m happy that you care and I hope you don’t stop, but… I don’t know, Blade. I don’t know.
[ Blade remembers this feeling...the sensation that people could even care about him driving him to a point where he remembers feeling pulled apart - in so many directions. Ironically, of that short number of people, one of those was "Yoru" himself.
The fact that he voted for him because he wouldn't hate Yoru is true. It's...a relief, to know that he voted for him instead of his own self. It makes him happy, that Yoru wishes to look forward enough to live. ]
...That's how it is. You're right I wouldn't.
[ A part of him knows he deserves the vote, even. He quietly puts down the sandwich for a moment. ]
But, there's no need for an apology. I'm glad I didn't vote for you - I won't regret it. I wouldn't change it. [ ... ] It's overwhelming, when others care.
And...it can be worth it. Even if it feels undeserving. Even if it's confusing.
[ so he won’t regret caring for yoru? or for jin? they should talk about that, but there’s so many layers to this that they start blending together.
what jin said, what yoru said. there’s a difference between them, but sometimes, he wonders if it matters at all to the people he’s talking to.
does yoru mind? at times, yeah. right now he’s not sure. ]
I… Jin… did say it was up to you to decide how much you can bear for someone. So I won’t change your mind about that.
[ for once, jin is right. ]
He has always wanted to care about people, and for people to care about him. But I… am a leech.
[ which is to say, in that he’s like jin, but twisted and insidious. undeserved, as blade had said. ]
Still, you’d care? You won’t change your mind? You didn’t sign up to care about two people in one body.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 1, wednesday
Blade will be wandering throughout the entirety of the place; perhaps with a lingering destination in mind but ultimately to look for a place where there is as less people as possible.
If he thinks someone will be there? He will avoid it. On purpose.
No one can stop him. And so this is why he ends up at the Clockwork Atelier! Is there anyone else inside, and what is that person doing, if so...? ]
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anyway
this is one of the few rooms yoru hadn't checked out in the first couple of days. the constant tick and tock, mismatched yet in time, had given him a headache just passing by the room. but now it helps to stand here, letting the noise wash away the thoughts of today's confessions. ]
Oh - Blade? Why are you here?
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Blade isn't too keen on noise, though it's unified in here - the type to easily fade into background when one stands in it. Enough to serve as distraction.
And, oddly enough, Yoru is here as well. ]
...I was wandering.
Why are you here?
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[ to drown the voices of the past. the voices, the voice - ]
Today was a lot…
[ kindness, empathy, sympathy - he doesn’t think he’s allowed those things and staying in that room had provided too much of it.
and there had been too many people in one room. dangerous… ]
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[ Blade did eventually split from the little chase he made, regaining the sense to wander elsewhere - but did that make things any better?
Still, for once, he finds a rare agreement - though, he wonders how many think the same. ]
It was a trap.
[ Blade willingly walked into the bait. Did everyone, however? Felt pressured, or perhaps, did it unintentionally. He has to wonder. ]
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trusting witch wasn’t really a consideration. he doesn’t trust him. ]
Mm. Probably… This place is a cage, after all.
[ no exits, no answers and vague excuses. ]
But you weighed yourself anyway. Why, Blade?
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He listens to him talk about this place like it is a cage - and truly, it is nothing less than that. ]
I did it to know how many would judge.
...I wanted them to.
People did. But, I couldn't predict how they would.
[ In many ways, it surprised him. Blade is used to people viewing matters in a black or white mentally with as few information at the tip of their fingers as possible. Even if trickles dripped into their hands, it wouldn't change their opinion.
Though, he is certain someone must think he is trouble. That is enough for him. ]
And you?
[ Everything is a haze, he barely remembers some conversations now, but he feels like Yoru must have. ]
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[ he doesn’t ask why. in his ears, the question is overlapped with the younger voice of a boy who doesn’t exist anymore. ]
So you got what you wanted then. Were you satisfied?
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[ Blade's response fits both the question that trails off, and the statement that comes after.
But, for the second question...? ]
...Not sure yet. But, it feels like it was enough. So, maybe.
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cw: mention of patricide??
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cw: suicidal ideation
cw: implied child abuse
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cw: implied child abuse, implied suicide
cw: continued for the above
cw: same
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week 2, post-trial
That's putting it extremely mildly but by god it is definitely a good summary of events. But, Blade stops in his walk when he sees a familiar face around the solarium.
He isn't great at greetings, though he looks to see how Yoru's doing - what he is doing in the area. Not that it will make things better for anyone, yet...he feels maybe it is fair to try. Even if he is bad at that too, regardless of the current state of mind. ]
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[ young and like glass. as though any louder and he’d shatter with the weight of blade’s name. ]
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...Yoru.
[ His voice will always be harsh, though he doesn't say it with that kind of intent. ]
If there is something you want to say. I'll listen.
[ He's bad at asking the right questions, but Yoru has been...unfathomably kind to him, so the best he can think is to offer an ear. They are both upset; two commonalities. He isn't strong by a mile, he has been relearning how to pick up his own pieces. Yet, he gets the feeling so has Yoru. Maybe, that can be better than sitting on the fragments; something he is starting to learn. ]
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blade should give his kindness to someone else. ]
You do listen. Every single time, you listen. Did you know that? Do you realize what that means?
[ does blade think it means less just because he doesn’t know the right words? ]
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He isn't suited towards comfort. There isn't much he is suited towards even these days, other than being a blade. Also, around this time, he also has a wagasa with him...held at his side.
When he asks those words, he just falls silent for a moment, hesitant to respond. But, he does. ]
...No, I don't.
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[ likely blade was made like this, born with tenderness in his heart.
his other half is the same. ]
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But, it isn't true at all. ]
Kind isn't a word normally used to describe me.
[ He doesn't look or feel offended. Blade wonders if it's because he knows that for Yoru to say that, he at least appreciated the thought.
...then again, what he offered suggests he is capable of such things, isn't it? ]
cw: suicidal ideation
[ which sounds like it’s coming out of nowhere, his tone careless, but trust the process. ]
They don’t have to say anything. I might not even want kind words - or whatever. I just need them to be there.
[ a witness, perhaps. and that would be more kindness than he’ll ever deserve but that’s what he wants.
the point is: it is a kindness still. ]
cw: same
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week 3, post-execution
Out and about, underneath a tree, Blade's seated, and there is food laid out upon a little cloth of some sort. Though, it seems he is not alone. ]
...It's not often that I eat like this.
[ It's the truth. He probably does at times, but never like this. ]
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like what? two killers relaxing? but yoru doesn't say it. he's still sore over what happened; at the same time, he can't find it in himself to be properly angry at blade.
because he has manners, unlike jin, he swallows before speaking: ]
It's a good date idea.
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Even...despite all of that, though seeing Yoru across from him is nothing less than evidence that he's here with them than not. He's slow when he partakes in the sandwich, but it's good nonetheless, and he too waits for a swallow, before speaking up once more. ]
...It is.
[ He says, slowly, and carefully. But, somewhat gently, even if he talks in that rough tone of his (contradiction?)
A long pause results from him, and he's never been ideal at conversations. So, he adds: ]
If there's something else you wish to say, feel free. Conversations are not my specialty. And outings...those weren't something I'd come up with in company of associates...or companions.
[ The other Stellaron Hunters were better with that. ]
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[ blade should know by now, after everything that yoru has said at the carnival, that he belongs in a special type of hell.
and if they had chosen him, then hickey would be alive and water lily wouldn’t be left just as mangled as sabo’s body. in pieces, in dispair. ]
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It seems he anticipated this. So, after he swallows, he stares, with eyes that may be a bit brighter. Allows it to linger. Then: ]
I didn't want to. Even if I heard your surprising confessions.
[ It surprised him...that Yoru and Jin had been more than he seemed. Why should it change everything that was spoken to him? Even if he is a complicated existence, even if his hands are stained with sin...so are his. ]
That didn't change how I felt. Maybe, instead amplified and sparked curiosity in addition to what was already there. What I already decided.
...I never cared for Hickey. The choice was simple.
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it breaks him in an awful, happy way. he doesn’t deserve it.
he curls over his sandwich, laughing lowly. only - the noises coming out of his throat are heavy, edged with traces of hysteria. ]
I know. [ the words come out raw, claws digging into his throat and crawling out his mouth. ] I know you care about me. I voted for you, you know, because I couldn’t vote for myself. Because I knew you wouldn’t hate me for it.
[ but yoru already regrets it, putting down any name but his. especially blade’s, who fought for his innocence. ]
I’m sorry… But I wish you had voted for me. And I’m happy that you care and I hope you don’t stop, but… I don’t know, Blade. I don’t know.
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The fact that he voted for him because he wouldn't hate Yoru is true. It's...a relief, to know that he voted for him instead of his own self. It makes him happy, that Yoru wishes to look forward enough to live. ]
...That's how it is. You're right I wouldn't.
[ A part of him knows he deserves the vote, even. He quietly puts down the sandwich for a moment. ]
But, there's no need for an apology. I'm glad I didn't vote for you - I won't regret it. I wouldn't change it. [ ... ] It's overwhelming, when others care.
And...it can be worth it. Even if it feels undeserving. Even if it's confusing.
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what jin said, what yoru said. there’s a difference between them, but sometimes, he wonders if it matters at all to the people he’s talking to.
does yoru mind? at times, yeah. right now he’s not sure. ]
I… Jin… did say it was up to you to decide how much you can bear for someone. So I won’t change your mind about that.
[ for once, jin is right. ]
He has always wanted to care about people, and for people to care about him. But I… am a leech.
[ which is to say, in that he’s like jin, but twisted and insidious. undeserved, as blade had said. ]
Still, you’d care? You won’t change your mind? You didn’t sign up to care about two people in one body.
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