[ Blade is certain some of them did, some of them didn't, and there were shades of those in-between.
He listens to him talk about this place like it is a cage - and truly, it is nothing less than that. ]
I did it to know how many would judge.
...I wanted them to.
People did. But, I couldn't predict how they would.
[ In many ways, it surprised him. Blade is used to people viewing matters in a black or white mentally with as few information at the tip of their fingers as possible. Even if trickles dripped into their hands, it wouldn't change their opinion.
Though, he is certain someone must think he is trouble. That is enough for him. ]
And you?
[ Everything is a haze, he barely remembers some conversations now, but he feels like Yoru must have. ]
...And, so that they won't end up committing a mistake.
[ The secondary is far more quiet - a tacit agreement to Yoru's words.
The first part far more obvious, to present himself as a danger, to suit his own purposes. But, he doesn't expect people to reach the secondary conclusion - who here would have known to reach for forbidden techniques in the hope of reviving the dead? When Blade isn't going to come out and say without prompting that is the reason he is who he is?
With his mind clearer now, he can hold the wisps of knowledge clearly in his hands, for how little time that remains. ]
Mistakes and change... don't they go hand-in-hand? If you can be, if you can exist... then you can be the catalyst for change without having to sacrifice yourself. You don't have to stay a warning.
[ he says all this even though he knows nothing about blade's situation. he's only going off his own. a thing brought back to life. ]
[ Blade finds the words strange; foreign, because they were never ever spoken to him. Jingliu certainly never spoke such things to him when she plunge her blade into him, thousands upon thousands of times, and yet taught him a brutal style of swordplay that only served to exemplify that warning he existed to be, etched firmly into every scar. Reborn into a weapon. ]
...Strange words. No one would has said so - to me, that is.
I committed an act defined as "an unpardonable sin". Would you still stick to your words?
[ He asks, curious. To someone who committed patricide; though, he holds no judgment for that. He, granted context, believes it was quite necessary. ]
Maybe that is why the words come out easy, easier than they should. Blade is an abnormal person himself, after all; though, not in the way Yoru is. ]
...In the Xianzhou, those mean the same.
Those who commit an unpardonable sin are sentenced for an eternity - until they die or simply for as long as their long life will permit them to exist - to the Shackling Prison. Yet, I was not.
Still, one who I once knew made sure that I would never forget.
...To exert upon myself the price I was made to pay - though have not completed in full. [ His words sound a little disjointed; uneven, as that madness swirls inside of him ever so briefly. ] How I would never be forgiven.
Even if I forget one day, my scars will serve as proof.
[ And yet, Blade manages to finish the point - whatever that should be in the first place. ]
[ he asks this even after listening to blade’s explanation about unpardonable sins.
it’s just… after what he’s been through, he doesn’t trust society - any society - to decide what’s right and what’s wrong.
life is so nuanced - not cut in black and white. and there are monsters walking around unpunished. how could any world claim to have unpardonable sins? ]
If you could, would you forgive yourself? Or are you looking for one sole person to forgive you, if not everyone that you know and don’t know?
[ Blade realizes and remembers he doesn't even ever consider the possibility, when Yoru first says what he does.
He awoke, with almost purely no recollection of memories once the sin had been completed, and wandered without a single ounce or awareness of what had happened. Yet, things being what they are, Blade faced that harsh reality immediately.
Memories stirred, then forgotten - reminders of that sin carved until those phantom pains and scars remained after every heal. Every bit of recovery that was imperfect with its perfection. Yoru asks if he could forgive himself, and he is stumped.
He doesn't understand the concept. ]
I haven't...thought about either. I hadn't thought either option would be possible.
[ If he could forgive himself. If he could even be forgiven. ]
Someone who could forgive him? Does...Blade want forgiveness?
...
What does he want, really...?
He doesn't know why he's even questioning these things. Blade assumed that he wanted one thing and one thing only. A part of him still longs for that death. But, even so, maybe there's something else that he wants to.
Though, he can't quite figure the name of it just yet, when he's thinking of these concepts. ]
...Where do you get these ideas from?
[ Blade has to ask. No one has said these things to him? Is Yoru just simply that kind of person who thinks it all up on his own?
He just has to know. Or maybe he doesn't, but he wants to know, anyway. ]
When you grow up in a cage, all you have are ideas and the hope of them. That... maybe one day, one of them will come true... That something good will happen... finally.
[ nothing came true for him until after. and even now, he's still seeking... to close his past. to shut that door completely and set that house on fire along with - ]
Before you sinned, what did you have? Everything? Or were you like me? I only had... one person.
[ along with -
that one person. he never wants to see her again. he wants to meet her so bad. ]
[ ...Blade wonders if that is a sentiment he felt once - but because he doesn't recall his own childhood properly, it's impossible for him to know. Though, somehow those feelings are resonating somehow. Maybe before he sinned, before he met those people, his life had him looking for hope.
Maybe he had family. But, for some reason, he has a feeling it didn't...last. Though, he can't confirm anything, so he just simply focuses on what he is certain of.
And he knows, after Jingliu's teachings, he stopped looking for any hope at all. But he lets the words settle first, digesting them. Then, for the questions...? ]
...I had few friends, in my previous life.
I know one died...leaving just three others.
It didn't last. I'm not sure for how long. I only knew it came to an end by the time I committed the sin that I did - with Imbibitor Lunae.
[ Because even besides that dead person, Jingliu lost her mind, and "Dan Feng" eventually became "Dan Heng". ]
...Was the one person someone other than a family member?
[ So, someone who may have been supportive? Though as he ponders that idly...
Blade doesn't really catch what the head shake from Yoru even means in its entirety, but he only focuses on the question because it is simply asked of him. ]
Dan Feng's title as Vidyadhara High Elder of the Xianzhou Luofu. "Dan Heng" is still considered to hold it.
[ He doesn't use that other moniker often; if only because the differences between to them to Blade are little, whether or not that is the case. ]
[ dan heng and dan feng. just looking at dan heng, he wouldn’t think an identity crisis was a thing. he just seemed settled… as dan heng. so solid. ]
A new identity is usually because the old one has become… [ he sighs, the sound sad and a little frustrated. ] Something you want to let go of.
He really wants to keep part of his past?
[ it’s not something yoru would pick if he had a choice in the matter. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ to drown the voices of the past. the voices, the voice - ]
Today was a lot…
[ kindness, empathy, sympathy - he doesn’t think he’s allowed those things and staying in that room had provided too much of it.
and there had been too many people in one room. dangerous… ]
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[ Blade did eventually split from the little chase he made, regaining the sense to wander elsewhere - but did that make things any better?
Still, for once, he finds a rare agreement - though, he wonders how many think the same. ]
It was a trap.
[ Blade willingly walked into the bait. Did everyone, however? Felt pressured, or perhaps, did it unintentionally. He has to wonder. ]
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trusting witch wasn’t really a consideration. he doesn’t trust him. ]
Mm. Probably… This place is a cage, after all.
[ no exits, no answers and vague excuses. ]
But you weighed yourself anyway. Why, Blade?
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He listens to him talk about this place like it is a cage - and truly, it is nothing less than that. ]
I did it to know how many would judge.
...I wanted them to.
People did. But, I couldn't predict how they would.
[ In many ways, it surprised him. Blade is used to people viewing matters in a black or white mentally with as few information at the tip of their fingers as possible. Even if trickles dripped into their hands, it wouldn't change their opinion.
Though, he is certain someone must think he is trouble. That is enough for him. ]
And you?
[ Everything is a haze, he barely remembers some conversations now, but he feels like Yoru must have. ]
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[ he doesn’t ask why. in his ears, the question is overlapped with the younger voice of a boy who doesn’t exist anymore. ]
So you got what you wanted then. Were you satisfied?
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[ Blade's response fits both the question that trails off, and the statement that comes after.
But, for the second question...? ]
...Not sure yet. But, it feels like it was enough. So, maybe.
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What... made it enough for you?
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They seemed unsettled.
[ ... ]
That's how it should be.
[ And that's why it was enough. ]
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[ the clocks seem to slow down time. it gives yoru a moment to study blade and to reflect on his words. it sounds like… ]
You… want to be a warning to everyone, so we don’t end up like you. Is that it?
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To who I am, for simply being.
...And, so that they won't end up committing a mistake.
[ The secondary is far more quiet - a tacit agreement to Yoru's words.
The first part far more obvious, to present himself as a danger, to suit his own purposes. But, he doesn't expect people to reach the secondary conclusion - who here would have known to reach for forbidden techniques in the hope of reviving the dead? When Blade isn't going to come out and say without prompting that is the reason he is who he is?
With his mind clearer now, he can hold the wisps of knowledge clearly in his hands, for how little time that remains. ]
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[ ... ]
Mistakes and change... don't they go hand-in-hand? If you can be, if you can exist... then you can be the catalyst for change without having to sacrifice yourself. You don't have to stay a warning.
[ he says all this even though he knows nothing about blade's situation. he's only going off his own. a thing brought back to life. ]
cw: mention of patricide??
...Strange words. No one would has said so - to me, that is.
I committed an act defined as "an unpardonable sin". Would you still stick to your words?
[ He asks, curious. To someone who committed patricide; though, he holds no judgment for that. He, granted context, believes it was quite necessary. ]
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maybe that door was never open for him in the first place. ]
Says who, Blade?
[ he sounds a little sad. ]
Is unpardonable the same thing as unforgiveable?
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Maybe that is why the words come out easy, easier than they should. Blade is an abnormal person himself, after all; though, not in the way Yoru is. ]
...In the Xianzhou, those mean the same.
Those who commit an unpardonable sin are sentenced for an eternity - until they die or simply for as long as their long life will permit them to exist - to the Shackling Prison. Yet, I was not.
Still, one who I once knew made sure that I would never forget.
...To exert upon myself the price I was made to pay - though have not completed in full. [ His words sound a little disjointed; uneven, as that madness swirls inside of him ever so briefly. ] How I would never be forgiven.
Even if I forget one day, my scars will serve as proof.
[ And yet, Blade manages to finish the point - whatever that should be in the first place. ]
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[ he asks this even after listening to blade’s explanation about unpardonable sins.
it’s just… after what he’s been through, he doesn’t trust society - any society - to decide what’s right and what’s wrong.
life is so nuanced - not cut in black and white. and there are monsters walking around unpunished. how could any world claim to have unpardonable sins? ]
If you could, would you forgive yourself? Or are you looking for one sole person to forgive you, if not everyone that you know and don’t know?
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[ Blade realizes and remembers he doesn't even ever consider the possibility, when Yoru first says what he does.
He awoke, with almost purely no recollection of memories once the sin had been completed, and wandered without a single ounce or awareness of what had happened. Yet, things being what they are, Blade faced that harsh reality immediately.
Memories stirred, then forgotten - reminders of that sin carved until those phantom pains and scars remained after every heal. Every bit of recovery that was imperfect with its perfection. Yoru asks if he could forgive himself, and he is stumped.
He doesn't understand the concept. ]
I haven't...thought about either. I hadn't thought either option would be possible.
[ If he could forgive himself. If he could even be forgiven. ]
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can he be forgiven for what he did? should he have forgiven his father? his… sister?
but panic always comes when he thinks about that too deeply because no, no, no he doesn’t and he won’t and he can’t -
blade speaks of sins and yoru knows he has his own. ]
… You could try, Blade. Nothing might happen, but… but something could. And if you can’t forgive yourself, maybe you will find someone who can.
[ or as it had happened for yoru, someone who accepts all of him despite the unpardonable sins. ]
cw: suicidal ideation
Someone who could forgive him? Does...Blade want forgiveness?
...
What does he want, really...?
He doesn't know why he's even questioning these things. Blade assumed that he wanted one thing and one thing only. A part of him still longs for that death. But, even so, maybe there's something else that he wants to.
Though, he can't quite figure the name of it just yet, when he's thinking of these concepts. ]
...Where do you get these ideas from?
[ Blade has to ask. No one has said these things to him? Is Yoru just simply that kind of person who thinks it all up on his own?
He just has to know. Or maybe he doesn't, but he wants to know, anyway. ]
cw: implied child abuse
When you grow up in a cage, all you have are ideas and the hope of them. That... maybe one day, one of them will come true... That something good will happen... finally.
[ nothing came true for him until after. and even now, he's still seeking... to close his past. to shut that door completely and set that house on fire along with - ]
Before you sinned, what did you have? Everything? Or were you like me? I only had... one person.
[ along with -
that one person. he never wants to see her again. he wants to meet her so bad. ]
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Maybe he had family. But, for some reason, he has a feeling it didn't...last. Though, he can't confirm anything, so he just simply focuses on what he is certain of.
And he knows, after Jingliu's teachings, he stopped looking for any hope at all. But he lets the words settle first, digesting them. Then, for the questions...? ]
...I had few friends, in my previous life.
I know one died...leaving just three others.
It didn't last. I'm not sure for how long. I only knew it came to an end by the time I committed the sin that I did - with Imbibitor Lunae.
[ Because even besides that dead person, Jingliu lost her mind, and "Dan Feng" eventually became "Dan Heng". ]
...Was the one person someone other than a family member?
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[ then he shakes his head because he doesn’t want to talk about her.
and besides, blade had said something he doesn’t understand or recognize. ]
Imbibitor Lunae…?
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Blade doesn't really catch what the head shake from Yoru even means in its entirety, but he only focuses on the question because it is simply asked of him. ]
Dan Feng's title as Vidyadhara High Elder of the Xianzhou Luofu. "Dan Heng" is still considered to hold it.
[ He doesn't use that other moniker often; if only because the differences between to them to Blade are little, whether or not that is the case. ]
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[ he’s curious because yoru had done something similar, change his name to reflect a new life.
(a new self.) ]
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[ Blade seems to consider his response, trying to recall but he was not there for Dan Heng's botched rebirth. ]
He has stated before it was his new identity...but acknowledges "Dan Feng" is not entirely separate from him. It may be unusual to you.
[ ...emphasis on may, because different worlds and experiences; but it may be rather common than uncommon. Blade is not assuming, either way. ]
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A new identity is usually because the old one has become… [ he sighs, the sound sad and a little frustrated. ] Something you want to let go of.
He really wants to keep part of his past?
[ it’s not something yoru would pick if he had a choice in the matter. ]
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cw: implied child abuse, implied suicide
cw: continued for the above
cw: same
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